CaptSquid's Joke Thread

CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 2nd 2008, 7:07am

Gotta break in this new board right!

1. Anything You Want


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up, then went out to the pub.


2. Winner!

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Hony, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

Her husband said, "Omigod! What should I pack -- beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," said his wife. "Just get out."
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby AstroAustin » February 2nd 2008, 1:16pm

Aww it is really starting to feel like home around here. Thank you so much for posting your joke thread. It took me back in time and for a moment I remembered how much the members of this board mean to it. The joke was halarious too. :lol:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 2nd 2008, 3:37pm

:lol: #2 is one of my all-time favorites, Captain!:lol:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby Astrogurl » February 2nd 2008, 8:28pm

ROFL! Cant wait for the next installment :)
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 2nd 2008, 9:14pm

1. Marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is the husband.


2. At The Convent

Mother Superior called all the nun in the convent together and said to them: "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God!", said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby chops » February 2nd 2008, 9:37pm

number two on both are awesome!!!
If your gonna street race dont be affraid to go to the left!
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby Astrogurl » February 2nd 2008, 9:42pm

ooooooooooooooooo that's just not right.......funny, but definitely not right.
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 3rd 2008, 2:04am

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!
* And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
* Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
* Uh-oh. (or Oops!)
* I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.
* Better crank up that anesthesia.
* I don't think that was supposed to come off.
* Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.
* Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.
* Hey... ...maybe the janitor knows what this is.
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 3rd 2008, 4:34am

:lol: Hahaha!! Captain!!! You snatched that one from Tbucks at DrPhil's!! :D
Or, did he snatch it from you??? :?:
This is like the chicken & the egg thing. :roll:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 4th 2008, 12:47pm

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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby Astrogurl » February 4th 2008, 2:57pm

:lol:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 5th 2008, 1:17am

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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 5th 2008, 1:21am

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: Haha! Good stuff! Love the aliens one too!! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby 9dawgs » February 5th 2008, 2:34am

Throwing Stuff Down A Mineshaft

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

"I dunno," said the second.

"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby 9dawgs » February 5th 2008, 2:37am

Santa, Tooth Fairy, Drunk, Senator

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest senator and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don't exist.
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby Astrogurl » February 5th 2008, 2:48am

Oh MAN.....baaaaaaaaaaa

ROFL I'll be a long time getting that one out of my head.
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby moboman » February 5th 2008, 6:11am

you had some funny ones there squid

What are the rules on posting in your joke thread? Just pm you the joke and you decide if its funny enough?
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 5th 2008, 12:30pm

No, anyone can post. There's just ONE rule:

1. KEEP IT CLEAN! You may approach the line, but never cross it. Just imagine that a kid was reading it. If you don't want kids reading it, don't post it. If you can censor it yourself by replacing words that may be objectionable, go right ahead.
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 5th 2008, 2:51pm

These are ALL great jokes this morning!!! :D :mrgreen: :D :mrgreen:

FYI:
Post the 'naughties' in the 'anything goes' forum way down at the bottom. Austin will give you the password:)
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 7th 2008, 1:13pm

An American Tourist In London

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants and, worst of all, no public restrooms.

However, after all those Guinnesses, he really has to go. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me".

He leads the American through a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No, sir." replied the bobby. "That is what we call the French Embassy."
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