CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 7th 2008, 2:11pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby Astrogurl » February 7th 2008, 5:17pm

:lol: very good!
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby nitropyro » February 8th 2008, 2:53am

some very good jokes. and i agree with austin this is feeling like home again
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby Astrogurl » February 8th 2008, 4:34pm

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say, 'Idiot!' afterwards."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby Astrogurl » February 8th 2008, 4:43pm

I believe we had this one before, but enjoyed it highly.

Automotive Tools--
Original author was Peter Egan of Road & Track magazine.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 12th 2008, 9:53pm

Mad Cow

A female TV reporter was interviewing with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

"Good evening, sir", she began. "I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" the farmer asked.

Obviously embarrassed, the reporter said, "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"

"And," continued the farmer, "do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

"Sir, this is really valuable information," said the lady reporter, "but what about getting to the point?"

"I am getting to the point, young lady," the farmer insisted. "Just imagine, if I was playing with you twice a day and only schtupping you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 13th 2008, 9:34pm

1. Drinking

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking ... Scared the bejeebers out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.


2. School Daze

Teacher: "John, give me a sentence starting with 'I'."

Little Johnny: "I is..."

Teacher: "No, John. Always say, 'I am'."

Little Johnny: "Yes, teacher. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet!"
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 15th 2008, 12:32am

Hahaha!! Funny stuff. I've seen them before, but still enjoyed them again.
Seen all except for the last one... There's gotta be a million 'Little Johnny' jokesis, they're always a hoot a Captain!!! :afro2:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 15th 2008, 12:08pm

Paranoia

A new bride told her husband she was concerned that their honeymoon suite in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C., might still be bugged from the Watergate scandal days.

The groom agreed to check it out.

He looked behind the drapes, he looked behind the pictures, he looked behind the mirrors, he looked under the rug and... "HEY!" he shouted.

Under the rug was a small plate with four screws! He unscrewed the screws with his knife and threw them and the plate out the window. "There, that takes care of any bugs," he reassured his new bride. And the couple quickly jumped in bed and did what newlyweds do.

The next morning, the hotel manager knocked on their door and asked the couple, "Was your stay satisfactory? How was the service? Did you enjoy your room?"

The groom said, "Fine. Why do you ask?"

The manager said, "Because, last night, the couple in the room under yours had their chandelier fall on them!
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 15th 2008, 2:28pm

:biggrin: Sounds like one of the Three Stooges got married. :biggrin:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 16th 2008, 6:26pm

Wisdom

The wise old Mother Superior of the convent was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed, hoping to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk, but she refused it.

As one nun returned the still full glass of milk to the kitchen, she remembered that the previous Christmas they had received a bottle of whiskey as a gift.

She dumped out some milk, poured in a generous helping of the whiskey, and returned to Mother Superior's bedside.

Mother took a little sip, then a little more, and soon polished off the whole glass.

"Mother," said the nuns, "give us some wisdom before you pass!"

She looked up and said, "Don't sell that cow!"
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby Astrogurl » February 16th 2008, 9:12pm

ROFL!!!!! :lol:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 16th 2008, 11:36pm

:lol!: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :lol!:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 17th 2008, 12:37am

Close Shave?

A man enters a Barber Shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 17th 2008, 4:38am

:D I got that one in my email tonight too!!! :D
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 17th 2008, 1:24pm

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying itself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash and pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes,

The Dog
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 17th 2008, 4:16pm

Hahaha!! I've seen that one before!! Good stuff!! :biggrin:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 18th 2008, 9:27pm

By All Means MARRY!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

-- David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

-- Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

-- Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

-- Alexandre Dumas
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 20th 2008, 1:26pm

Ole, The Painter

Ole was never much of a scholar, but he sure could paint, especially portraits.

As his fame grew, people came from all over to have him paint their formal portrait.

One day, a beautiful young woman arrived at Ole's studio and asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.

"Money is no object," she told Ole. "Would a half million dollars be enough?"

Since no one had ever made such a request before, Ole figured he'd better get permission from his wife, the lovely Lena. "Can ya wait here fer a minute whilst I asks Lena?"

In a few minutes he returned. "Ya, shoor, you betcha, I can paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so's I have a place to wipe my brushes!"
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Years of Membership: CaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full years
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 22nd 2008, 9:20pm

1. Blonde Joke No. 181

Two blondes trekked deep into the frigid forest in search of the perfect Christmas tree but after hours of braving blustery winds and freezing temperatures, one blonde was ready to give up.

She said, "I don't know about you, Bambi, but I'm going to chop down the next tree I see ... whether it's decorated or not!"


2. The Origin Of Webster's Dictionary


Like many husbands throughout history, Daniel Webster tried to talk with his wife but as soon as he said anything, his wife responded, "And exactly what does that mean?"

And thus was born Webster's Dictionary!
Mike
92 Safari SLE with Z motor
Look for the MISSING Alien in the Right Seat -- AL, PHONE HOME!

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Original Poster [OP]
CaptSquid
AstroSafari Pioneer
AstroSafari Pioneer
Firing on 1 Cylinder (L1)
Firing on 1 Cylinder (L1)
Years of Membership: CaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full yearsCaptSquid has been a member for 13 full years
Posts: 174
Topics: 10
Joined: February 2008
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