CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby chops » February 23rd 2008, 3:02am

Ok I finally sat down and read squiddys joke thread and now I need to go buy some monitor wipes to get the Pop off my screen. Lotta good ones there bud!
If your gonna street race dont be affraid to go to the left!
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The Official Language

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 23rd 2008, 7:27pm

The Official Language

The European Commission has just announced that English will be the official language of the European Union. German, which was the other possibility, narrowly missed out.

During negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und after zis fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German; lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » February 24th 2008, 4:46am

I was halfway through reading that Squiddy & thought...RoFlMaO
Zis is ze vay mein relatifs spek!!!
Way too FUNNY!!! Thanx!!
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 27th 2008, 7:37pm

Politically Incorrect Humor

1. California Version


The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."


2. Australia Version


A recent survey in Australia asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answer:

18% said: YES

82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شن
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby Astrogurl » February 27th 2008, 10:30pm

:biglaugh: thats funny!
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » February 29th 2008, 7:50pm

Perspective

A nun in the hospital's maternity ward waiting room noticed a young man pacing back and forth.

She asked him, "Are you a father-to-be?"

"Yes, Sister, I am," he said.

"Is this your first child?" she asked.

"No, Sister, it's not."

"How many children do you have?"

"This is my tenth."

"Oh! And are you a Catholic?"

"No, Sister, I'm not."

The nun walked away in a huff, muttering, "Sex fiend!"
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » March 3rd 2008, 9:22pm

Geriatric Golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cuppa.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did," replies his brother-in-law.

"Where did it go?", asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » March 4th 2008, 4:47am

:tongue: CUTE!!! :biggrin:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » March 4th 2008, 9:08pm

Life Begins At 50 Q & A


Q. Where can a 50-year-old woman find young sexy men who will be interested in her?

A. Try a bookstore …under fiction!


Q.What should a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A. Stay busy. Try finishing the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.


Q.How can you increase your 50-year-old husband's heart rate?

A. Tell him you're pregnant!


Q. How can I avoid seeing wrinkles when I pass a mirror?

A. Take off your glasses!


Q. Why should 50-year-olds use valet parking?

A. Valets remember where they park your car!


Q. Do most 50-year-olds have problems with short term memory storage?

A. Memory storage is no problem; the problem is memory retrieval!


Q. Do 50-year-olds sleep more soundly?

A. Yes; usually in the afternoon.


Q. What is the most common remark made by a 50-year-olds in an antique store?

A. "I remember these!"
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » March 7th 2008, 4:55am

I can relate to every one of these!! Mr D/L just turned 50 & I'm having menopause!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » March 14th 2008, 12:41am

The Honest Lawyer

A successful investment advisor's business grew quickly and soon she needed an in-house counsel.

She brought in the first young applicant for his interview.

"In my business, personal integrity must be beyond question," she said and then leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" he replied prospect. "I'll tell you about honesty. I'm so honest that, when my father lent me fifty thousand dollars for my education, I paid back every penny as soon as I tried my first case."

"Impressive," she said. "And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his chair. "Dad sued me for his money!"
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » March 14th 2008, 3:42am

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » March 15th 2008, 2:07am

From the Guinness Book of Women's Records

Gossiping

In Butt's End, England, on February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury, popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher.

After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2:10 p.m., Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2:30 .p.m, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2:50 p.m. it had risen to 372 and by 4 p.m. that afternoon, 2,774 people knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a busload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butcher's wife.

When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11:55 p.m. that night, Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » March 16th 2008, 12:07pm

Real Headlines

The following headlines are all real headlines that appeared, at one time or another, in either real newspapers or on real news websites.

1. March Planned For Next August

2. Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

3. Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

4. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

5. Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

6. Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

7. 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

8. War Dims Hope For Peace

9. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

10. Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

11. Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

12. Lucky Man Sees Pals Die

13. New Missouri U. Chancellor Expects Little Sex

14. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

15. Pastor Aghast At First Lady Sex Position
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » March 17th 2008, 4:44am

:lol!: :lol!: :lol!: :lol!:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » March 17th 2008, 12:02pm

BAD IRISH HUMOR

At The Cemetary

Three Irishmen -- Paddy, Sean and Seamus -- were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Mary Clancy

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

"So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" asks Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, Father," she says, "I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary, that's terrible," says Father O'Grady. "Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father ... " says Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?" inquires Father O'Grady.

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!' "
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » March 19th 2008, 11:42pm

Champion Aussies

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found that Australians drink average 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, that Australians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Not bad, eh!

Notable Quotes

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

Winston Churchill's response: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."


Winston Churchill: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."


Clarence Darrow: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » March 21st 2008, 3:53am

Good stuff & great Irish jokes Captain!! :lol!:
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby CaptSquid [OP] » March 22nd 2008, 1:47pm

'I Told You So'

During a fancy dinner party, the hosts' two small children entered the dining room totally naked and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing had happened.

The guests, not wanting to embarrass their hosts any further, continued talking.

As the kids heading back to their rooms, one said to the other, "See? I told you it was vanishing cream!"
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Re: CaptSquid's Joke Thread

Postby dumb lady » March 24th 2008, 4:45am

Haha!! My youngest when she was 2, used to love taking her clothes off & run nekkid out the door. :yipes:
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