CaptSquid's Joke Thread

[CaptSquid]

In Las Vegas

George and Harriet were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in Las Vegas.

In the casino, Harriet watched as a sweet young woman in a short skirt suddenly became very friendly with George, but he just brushed her off.

Harriet objected. "George, that young woman was so nice to you and you were so rude to her!"

"Harriet, she's a prostitute," explained George.

"What? No. I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Want me to prove it?" asked George.

They went to their room, George phoned the front desk and said, "Would you send Bambi to room 1217?" "Now," he told Harriet, "you hide in the bathroom and listen."

Soon, there was a knock at the door and, sure enough, in walked Bambi.

George asked, "How much?"

"$500 for the basics, plus $250 for 'special services'," said Bambi.

Even George was taken aback. "$500?! I was thinking more like $200."

Bambi laughed derisively, "Yeah. Right. You can't get laid for two hundred bucks any more!"

"Well then, I guess we can't do business," said George. "Goodbye."

After Bambi left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and said, "I can't believe it!"

"Forget it," said George. "Let's have a drink and then eat dinner."

Later, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came over to George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for your lousy two hundred bucks?!"

[CaptSquid]

Thankful

During a church service, a pastor asked the congregation if they had anything they wanted to share that made them thankful.

A woman stood up and said, "I'm thankful because two months ago, my husband had a terrible bicycle wreck. Jim's scrotum was smashed, he was in excruciating pain, and doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A gasp rose from the men in the congregation as they imagined poor Jim's pain.

"Jim was unable to hold me or the children," the woman continued. "Every move caused him terrible pain. Doctors performed a delicate operation to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men squirmed, imagining such surgery.

"But now," she said, "Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say his scrotum should recover completely." With that, she sat down as the men exhaled in unison.

The pastor tentatively asked, "Does anyone else have anything to say?"

A man rose and said, "Good morning. I'm Jim, and I just want to tell my wife, once again, that the word is 'sternum' not "scrotum'!"

[CaptSquid]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[CaptSquid]

So It Is Written

A preacher was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning.

He said to his small congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for everything. The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one time or another, been in the same situations you have."

"Even PMS?" a woman asked.

"Yes, I assure you," said the preacher, "PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it and tell you the passage at services next week."

So everyone goes home after the service.

Meanwhile, the preacher is looking for the PMS passage.

When Sunday comes around.... he gets in front of the congregation and begins his Homily in the service.

"People, I have found the passage in the Bible referring to PMS.

"Really, Preacher? Where?" the lady asked.

"It's right here in this passage where it says, 'And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Bethlehem'."

[dumb lady]

[CaptSquid]

Questions That Must Be Answered

1. Can you cry underwater?

2. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

3. What disease did cured ham actually have?

4. If a deaf person has to go to court, it is still called a hearing?

5. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

6. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

7. If the "Professor" on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in the boat?

8. Do the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

9. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

[CaptSquid]

The Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor instructed the Irishman. "The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost near 60 pounds!

"Why, that's amazing!" said the doctor. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded ... "I'll tell you, though, by jaysuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the fookin' skippin'!"

[dumb lady]

That's Fookin' Funnee!!!

[CaptSquid]

Golf Humor

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she said.

"Where?," he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

The golf pro nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[dumb lady]

Hey, that's (almost) dirty.

[CaptSquid]

Sign of the Times

A new Wal-Mart greeter just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was a few minutes late but, because he was a good worker, rather than fire him outright, the boss called him for a talk.

"Dick, I like your work ethic, and you're a smart guy, but your tardiness is becoming habitual."

"Yeah, I know, boss. I'm working on it," said Dick.

"That's good. I hope you succeed. But I must admit: I'm surprised. You're retired from the military. What did they say when you came in late?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General'!"

[CaptSquid]

1. The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini. Each time he would carefully remove the olive and put it in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and the martinis had been drunk, McQuillan got up to leave.

"S'cuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled by what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothin'," said McQuillan. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"


2. Watching The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

A bit later, they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying'."

[CaptSquid]

Cinderella, The Later Years

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch, with an old cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appeared.

"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.

"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I law saw you," replied the Fairy Godmother. "Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, she said, "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond my comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold, and so did all the furniture inside her home.

"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!".

"It is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?", asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I were young and ful of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

"You have one more wish," said the Fairy Godmother, "what will it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the like of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

"Congratulations, Cinderella," said the Fairy Godmother, "enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing into the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

The Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rockingchair. He wrapped her in his young, muscular arms and her close. Leaning in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, Bob whispered ... "Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."

[dumb lady]

Ha!Ha!Ha!!! That's the BEST Cinderella joke ever!!

[CaptSquid]

Blonde Joke No. 889

"I have a problem," a blonde complained to her friend. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

"Don't you have a phone in your car?" asked the friend.

"That was too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

"A mail box? Does that work?"

"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

"And why do you think that is?"

"I figure it's because when I'm driving around my zip code keeps changing."

[CaptSquid]

Why Dads Aren't Moms

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set.

Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of "tea" (really just plain water).

He praised her good "cooking," so she brought him more. After several cups of "tea," and much praise, Mom came home.

"Honey, watch this," said Dad, and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea. "Isn't she just the cutest?"

Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of "tea" before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"

[dumb lady]

[CaptSquid]

The Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife, Marsha, had given up long ago trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another of unusual purchases: A robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called 'Sex Queen'."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too made with Tommy though. After all, he is your son!"

With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her flying out of her chair.

[CaptSquid]

A Lifetime Of Taking A Woman To Bed

At 8 years old, you take her to bed and tell her a story to get to sleep.

At 18, you tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28, you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38, she tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48, she tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58, you stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68, if you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78, What story?? What bed?? Who the hell are you???

[bzmotoninja83]