CaptSquid's Joke Thread

[CaptSquid]

Words of Wisdom ... Or Not!

1. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

2. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

3. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!

4. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

5. I am not a complete idiot, dammit! ... Some parts are missing.

6. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

7. Procrastinate Now!

8. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

9. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

10. I have a Degree in Liberal Arts ... Do you want fries with that?

[CaptSquid]

The Smallest Cabin

A city slicker was hiking through the backwoods when he came upon the smallest cabin he had ever seen.

Intrigued, he knocked on the door. "Is anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a young voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the city fella.

"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."

"Well, then, is your mother there?" persisted the city slicker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here."

"But, are you never together as a family?"

"Not in here. This here's our outhouse!"

[CaptSquid]

Men DO Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said his wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ... "I would have gotten out today."

[dumb lady]

....And then everything went black.

[CaptSquid]

More New Words For 2008

1. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Opressive Mortgage.

2. 404: Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document or Web site cannot be located.

3.GOING FOR A ****: Entering a fast-food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the restroom. If challenged by a staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwords is know as a "**** with Lies".

4. SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.

5. MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot that, when lowering yourself in, you go, "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!"

6. MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when come back in.

7. BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3 a.m.

8. BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

9. PICASSO BUTT: A woman who panties are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

[CaptSquid]

Remembering Life Before The Computer

1. Memory was something that you lost with age.

2. An application was for employment.

3. A program was a TV show.

4. A cursor used profanity.

5. A keyboard was a piano.

6. A web was a spider's home.

7. A virus was the flu.

8. A CD was a bank account.

9. A hard drive was a long trip on the road.

10. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

11. And if you had a 3 1/2- inch floppy ... you just hoped no one found out!

[CaptSquid]

Women Drivers!

This morning on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear-view mirror, putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and, when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lande, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily ... but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked the cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins", ruined the damn cell phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call!

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

[johnny-77]

Yea I like that one

[CaptSquid]

Mr. Steinberg

Mr. Steinberg's physician finished his examination and said, "Sol, I'm happy to say that you're completely healthy, with the heart function of a fifteen-year-old."

Mr. Steinberg went home and told his wife, "Doris, the doctor says my heart is in great shape. Tonight, we're going to have wild, passionate sex!"

Doris said, "Are you sure, Sol? At your age? I'd never forgive myself if you died while we're doing it. But if your doctor wrote a note verifying that everything is okay, well, then... maybe."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected and the next day he was back in his doctor's office.

His doctor told him, "Sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write you a note. Let's see, 'My patient, Sol Steinberg, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old and can have wild, passionate sex any time he so desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, how do you want it addressed? What's your wife's name?"

"Uh ... Doc, just make it 'To Whom It May Concern'."

[CaptSquid]

Guido, The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian...and I think I love you..."

[dumb lady]

[CaptSquid]

The Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" the co-ed asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" she answered. "He showed up driving a 1952 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's wrong with that?"
"He's the original owner!"

[CaptSquid]

Crabs

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here, Voyeurwebbers:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men would like to think.

[CaptSquid]

The Medical Examination

A hot young college girl brought her ugly old aunt into the doctor's office.
"We're here for an examination," said the young hottie.
"All right," said the doctor. "Step behind the curtain and take off all your clothes."
"Oh, no, not me!" the co-ed replied. "It's for my aunt here."
"Oh," said the doctor.
"Very well, then. Madam, please stick out your tongue!"

[markmitch]

a little boy and his chocolate:

A little boy was sitting in front a convenience store with 3 open chocolate bars and he is pigging out,
an elderly man walks up and looks down at the kid and says" you really shouldn't eat that much chocolate"
The kid looks up and says "oh yeah whys that?" to which the man replys' well 1st of all it can give you acne
2nd of all its fattening and third of all its just generally unhealthy" The boy looks up and says well my grandad lived to the age of 92! to which the elderly man looks down and says "by eating chocolate? and the boy replys " no by minding his own dang business!

[81SAFARIMATT]

Adam... why did you make her smell so good?

God....I wanted you to like her

Adam... She is soft and so great to touch ..why?

God...I wanted you to like her

Adam....why is she so stupid

God ....I wanted her to like you too

Matt

[sixsix]

so... that's a salad, eh ?